bazingamayer:

Would you want me when I’m not myself?

OMG. Maybe that’s what it’s been all along.

For a girl who can cry 3 seconds into a movie, I have a terrible habit of internalizing anything that’s really painful. I love to cry at happy stuff! Like commercials and new babies and a really well-sung Broadway number. But I hate to cry at sad stuff. Real-life stuff. So mostly, I don’t.

Until I do. Until it’s like when you hold in having to pee for just a liiiittle too long and suddenly your bladder’s like, “No, bitch! We gotta go NOW!” Except, you know, with tears.

A half hour ago, I made a huge mistake and to my surprise, I wound up crying… like, the worst kind of crying when you’re hyperventilating and your eyes hurt and you give yourself a headache you cry so hard. The thing is, when you go looking for trouble, you find it! So thaaaaanks Facebook. Ya JERK. Excuse me while I go punch myself in the face.

…

Ok I’m back!

When I’m out at a bar with friends and subtly people-watching, I’ll admit I can get a bit smug because I really like the fact that I’m not like some other girls. The ones who dress provocatively then whine about the attention and pick fights to get MORE attention and basically just revel in being princess-y drama queens. It’s not that I think I’m better than them. I just like being me. I like being different. I like not feeling like I have to manipulate people into liking me or doing what I want.

But even so, I can’t be “above” stupid shit all the time. Although I’ve gotten really good at acting like it, I’m certainly nowhere close to being bulletproof. I can fall to whiny, mass-amounts-of-chocolate-eating levels of insecurity just like any other girl. And sometimes, my generally logical state of mind fails me.

They say there is an exception to every rule, and my exception has had a hold on me that I haven’t been able to shake for years, and it’s not for lack of trying. But maybe before now, I just wasn’t ready to let him go. After going so long feeling like it was over, suddenly, my world shifted and I found myself beside him again with this renewed hope that we could work out. I think many people have been there, been with someone who, despite there being major signs they were all wrong, went for it anyway because the person just made them feel so alive that life without them feels like… something is missing. I’m still finding my way through this, and it’s nothing I’ve ever dealt with before. It doesn’t help that for all intents and purposes, he was the first person I ever thought I loved… I’m reluctant to call it love, but I digress. So it’s all very one-step-forward-two-steps-back right now.

I’ve been doing a lot more crying than I’m used to lately. And I’ve been beating myself up for it. I don’t like letting people get to me. And this one person in particular, I just hated giving him that power. Eventually I learned to try and accept that I need to do it this way and just be hurt, be pissed, and cry my eyes out. It sucks. It hurts. I think that because I never blamed him, I had to blame SOMEONE, so… in my mind it just made sense to hate myself for all of it. (!!! I know. Come ON. It’s twisted.)

And now, thanks to my best friend in the world helping me through it, I’m learning how to forgive myself. I forgave him almost instantly, which is really fucked up, but for so long I’ve been punishing myself for being all the things I never wanted to be. That I was. For him.

Before him, I was able to say I’ve never cried in public at girl’s night out while having one too many drinks. I was able to say I’ve never cried at a concert during a song I hold dear while regrettably thinking of someone who most definitely is not thinking of me. I was able to say I’d never stare at my phone waiting for a guy to call or text me. I was able to say I’d always stay true to who I am and that I’d never ever EVER interfere with anyone’s relationship.

And as terrible as all that stuff is, there’s a part of me that’s trying to learn the difference between acceptance and regret, and it’s saying…

Before him, I’d never felt safe in someone’s arms, or trusted them enough to literally put my life in their hands. Before him, I’d never been bold enough to offer my heart to anyone. Before him, the act of cuddling with someone literally made me want to run! Before him, I’d never laid in bed in the light of a new day while someone played guitar and sang for only me. Before him, I’d never had someone look at me and felt like I was looking at them the exact same way.

So do you see where I’m having trouble moving on? I mean, yeah, it didn’t come without a price, but… it wasn’t ALL bad. It makes it hard to hate him (not HATE hate, just hate for the sake of moving on) or accept that he was 100% bad news, because there are some great memories there and I came really far from where I began, when it comes to trusting people… even myself. And even though I’m going through all of this apart from him and have a really hard time dealing with the fact that I STILL don’t have the closure I want, I’m learning to be ok just figuring it out as I go.

So, I guess now, after him, I’d just love to say I will never again cry over anyone who didn’t deserve it. Who didn’t deserve me.

I’m finally realizing that wishing you would love me is not the same as being in love with you.

This time I’m finally letting you go and not looking back.

Preach!

So I’m doing this 60-day cleanse, mainly because in the last year I’ve been sick more often than I ever have in my life, and I know it’s in no small part due to my poor choices of consistently putting instant gratification ahead of my well-being, and all of the crap just catching up to me in a big way… and also due to making, y’know, toxic choices all around. (Ignoring the urge to sing Britney… be strong… hurry, write the next paragraph!)

With all of that fresh in my mind, I went into this year committing to putting my life ahead of my lifestyle, and when the opportunity to do this popped up, I said “yes.” Even when a part of me said, “Oh God no,” or, “That sounds kinda awesome… and kinda awful!” or, “Can you eat Oreos during a cleanse?”

I heard all the doubts and the worries and I told them they can just suck it. Because I’m DOING this.

And then I got the supplements. Now — anyone who knows me well can attest to what a big baby I turn into when faced with swallowing a pill. I avoid it at all costs. I’ll take kid medicine. I’ll eat gummy vitamins. My arm could have fallen off, doesn’t matter, I’ll endure whatever pain I’m in just to NOT take a giant pill. (And by giant, I mean regular capsule size, the ones you all swallow by the dozen. Without water. Jerks.) So when I shook these GINORMOUS super-scary very reasonably-sized pills into my hand to get a look at them, I took a big, comical, cartoon-style gulp.

How the F was I going to do this? Three. A DAY. And then later on, SIX. And towards the end, NINE! Motherfather, I mean, I’ve tried before… half-heartedly. And ok, half-assedly, but… only tried. Never succeeded.

Well, I did what anyone else would do: Hired Bill Nye the Science Guy to teach me some major brain tricks! Ok, no, I didn’t do that, but it would’ve been AWESOME, amirite? His hourly rate must be up the wazoo, so instead I Googled the shizz out of “How to swallow pills.”

And HOLY CRAP IT WORKED!

I mean, it still takes serious concentration and the assistance of food. If someone tries to talk to me while I’m in the middle of this, they get a very stern finger in the air asking for a minute, and demon eyes… I’m sorry, bear with me, people. I’m trying to learn to do this amid distractions but… baby steps, geez.

I could give Google all the credit… but since stuff like that is “all in your head,” I think maybe the key is I finally had a reason/cause that I believed in enough to summon enough trust that I would not choke/asphyxiate myself/die in the process. Guess I’m really ready to do the work to stay healthy.

But really, anyone know about the Oreo thing? What about Thin Mints, those ok? Hmm. Maybe just one…

This was about as much fun as getting kicked in the crotch. I love them, but… geeeeez! Rough. Feel like I need to go hide under my covers and listen to The Smiths or something.

“I turn the music up
I got my records on
I shut the world outside until the lights come on
Maybe the street’s alight
Maybe the trees are gone
I hear my heart start beating to my favorite song”

Coldplay - Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

This was one of those concerts I’ll revisit in my mind whenever I find myself forgetting to believe in magic.